awake at 430 in the morning. because the convulsive gasps from crying left me feeling dizzy. because truth hurts, and lies worse. because you told me it would be okay but it isn’t. because i kept hoping he’d get better, only to see him getting weaker. because i feel so helpless when they need me to be strong. because i spent all those years loving people who didnt stay for long, and neglecting the ones who stuck by me through thick and thin. 
because my thoughts think it’s safe to wander when my body is tucked in bed.
 

The problem with falling in love, is that it happens too quickly, leaving you with sweaty palms and stammering speech. The problem with it being too quick is that you lose control over yourself. You compromise; you justify letting responsibilities, work and even sleep slide just to be with the person a little longer. You put yourself in a position with the possible chance of getting hurt or rejected, and you don’t even mind.
What a tragedy it is to fall in love.  
 

Всем привет с Красной площади!
Just got back from one heckofa weekend getaway. Had my first ever russian train experience where i had to use toilets that flush your refuse right down a hole to the tracks below (not even exaggerating). Lied our our way through at the hostel just to check in ‘cause none of us had brought our visas along. MET AND HELD HANDS WITH RYNN. ate too much. slept too little. Ah. how i wish i could be a full-time traveller! 

Всем привет с Красной площади!

Just got back from one heckofa weekend getaway. Had my first ever russian train experience where i had to use toilets that flush your refuse right down a hole to the tracks below (not even exaggerating). Lied our our way through at the hostel just to check in ‘cause none of us had brought our visas along. MET AND HELD HANDS WITH RYNN. ate too much. slept too little. 

Ah. how i wish i could be a full-time traveller!

 

Sleep has eluded me again as of late. I’d lie awake for hours, just waiting for myself to fall into slumber. I can’t quite figure out the cause. It could be the annoying fluctuation of my room temperature from the horribly indecisive weather. or the mattress that is possibly sinking at the side where i always sit on. or maybe the very effort of forcing my brain to rest is causing the restlessness. Whatever the reason, I’m not the least bit happy about it. especially when the aftereffect hits the hardest in the mornings.
:( 

"Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

The winter days came and went as incessantly as the tides that rise and fall on the shore, and tomorrow will mark the first day of my last spring here in Kursk. The past 3 months have been a season of rest and restoration, just like the resting fields that prepare themselves for spring planting. They are all part of a natural process-  broken hearts will eventually heal, empty worries will be forgotten, and life goes on and on. I can only look back now and realize that He was there through it all, and He will always be. And when you least expect it, His overwhelming grace will hit and surround you like an avalanche.

I’m ready and excited for the coming months. Good things happen to those who wait, right? 
 


Spent 15 hours on the road today! went all the way to Moscow just to claim my luggage (that was lost in Doha!) from the airport. I’m so glad the airlines found it though. My dresses are back with momma :)

Spent 15 hours on the road today! went all the way to Moscow just to claim my luggage (that was lost in Doha!) from the airport. I’m so glad the airlines found it though. My dresses are back with momma :)

Being home this time has taught me the value of friendship, the effects of too much vodka+red wine on an ADHenzyme+sleep deficient asian girl, the existence of inverted question (¿) and exclamation (¡) marks in written Spanish, the real reason as to why stars twinkle, the truth behind “if it doesn’t break your heart it isn’t love”, and most importantly, how to turn on (and off) the headlamp of a car.

and now i’m back once again inside these four walls and it feels like nothing has changed.   

Taken from the deck on an early misty morning as we were approaching Krabi. The scenery was breathtaking.  

Taken from the deck on an early misty morning as we were approaching Krabi. The scenery was breathtaking.  

Perhaps it’s the hopeful anticipation of the first snowfall. Or the overplayed christmas tunes that go hand in hand with the joyous season. Or maybe it’s the decorations and lights that colour the otherwise gloomy streets of Kursk. Somehow everything feels warmer, friendlier and fuzzier in this cold, cold month.
Or maybe, subconsciously, we’re all just trying to make up for all the days in the past 11 months we’ve wasted frowning/fretting.   

i’ve been

dwelling too much on what should have been, and the could-have’s that would have followed. i know it wouldn’t make a difference to what is, which is why i granted myself a grace period…and that period ends today.

i’ve also completed my (seemingly preposterous) 30-day chocolate fast. for such a huge sacrifice, it ended a little too unceremoniously this afternoon with the eating of a bar of kit-kat in class. nevertheless, i’m glad i did it. it made me realize that i do have control over my compulsions after all.
 
well it’s time to move on now. for real.     

  

days like these always leave me wishing i was less hot-tempered and more patient. i wish i knew how to love the unlovable. i wish i could shrug off insults like they mean nothing to me, smile at the impolite and laugh at the obnoxious. 

but above all, i wish people could just be nicer. so i wouldn’t have to keep going on these guilt trips.

sigh.  


  

After playing netball for the first time in 10 years yesterday, i woke up this morning with my legs feeling some 20kgs heavier.
Did you know that men’s netball teams exist?  

When it’s cold outside, there’s no need to worry, cause i’m so warm inside…..jk. its just as cold in my room.  

When it’s cold outside, there’s no need to worry, cause i’m so warm inside…

..jk. its just as cold in my room.  

daily to-do list

• get out of bed when it’s still dark out
• get to class 
• stay awake in class
• stay awake in class
• study for next day’s class
• resist late night chocolate cravings 
• sleep

not exactly how i’d love to spend my last few weeks of the year. but this too shall pass.

From being the girl who burns eggs, I think I’ve made quite a progress!Well the bottom of this cake was kinda sorta burnt. But only a little.

From being the girl who burns eggs, I think I’ve made quite a progress!
Well the bottom of this cake was kinda sorta burnt. But only a little.